Cynical by Nature

I've read Talon of the Silver Hawk before, but I never got the chance to read the other two books. Mostly because when I first read the book many years ago, Feist had still be working on the third book, and the second was only in hardback. Charles and I just never got around to getting the books, and eventually it was forgotten in the mist of College readings and other work.

But, I was looking for something to read yesterday and thumbed through stacks of books in B&N. Seeing Feist's books reminded me that I had always wanted to finish them! And as such I bought the whole trilogy right there (just 25 bucks, not a bad spend on books I will like read a couple of times before I die.)

And I'm probably about 40 pages off being done with the book. (I bought it at about 4ish, last night, before I went to dinner. I read a little at dinner, and then during commercials while watching Sister Act 2 when I got home. And so on until about 1amish. Books at horrible in one way, I have a very hard time just putting them down to sleep. As a result I'm dog ass tired tonight. I went to sleep at 1, and woke up off and on starting from 4am. Blag.) Anyway, the point is?

Feist made a funny.

"Good," Creed said, "I always like it when a captain has a plan; it makes getting killed a lot less random."

That? Made me laugh. It really did.

Secondly while I was wandering around B&N, I noticed a 'school read' table, and curious poked around the table. I like seeing what kids are reading in classes today, which strangely hadn't much changed from what I read. Oddly, though, that was a copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I somehow couldn't imagine a teacher, or school put that one the reading list. Then I reminded myself that for my Honors English and AP History in my Junior year of HS that I read Sophie's Choice. And while I dearly love the stark, hopelessness of this book...

At 17 I had never expected to be handed a book by a teacher that openingly discussed Male masturbation in detail. So I'll tack it up as interesting, which means- a lot of students are going to hate that, but I personally see it as an awesome choice in books. Then again, unlike most of my fellow students, I have found that there were few books I read for school/classes that I truly disliked. In particular I found a sort of quaint fondness for William Faulkner's books, though The Sound and The Fury still breaks my brain, and I've read it a number of times. Ever time I pick it up, I find something different in what I read.

I still have no care for Mark Twain, though. Don't know...Huckleberry Fin just bored me.

And this has nothing to do with the whole book I stared with! Haha. Oh, I miss reading as much as I did. I find that I have to love the characters, though, before I can just let the book take me. If I don't find a way to love the characters, or a character, no amount of effort I put forth ever makes the book just flow. Scary, but true. I sort of think of it like a movie- without a connection, I lose interest, and my mind wanders. Then, before I know it, movie is over and I'm just trying to remember what happened in the flick.

Anyway...Tis it!

I'm lost to my books for a while. Perhaps reading will help me find the voices for my characters again. And in finding them, perhaps I will find my desire to be online again.

I honestly think that, really.

About a month ago, or so I started this awesome Meme. I was, seriously, riding a high of 'hee, everyone is getting along!' when it came around and everyone was doing it. It felt great. Which is completely unrelated, really.

Tonight I couldn't even finish a prompt for Percy. 1070 words and...I think I might just scrap it. I feel, sometimes, that it doesn't matter what I write. The same people would blab blab about 'its great', and go on. I don't feel it is...but...

I don't know. :/

It is sort of an all around discontent with writing I suppose. (and yes, I realize that only like four people read my journal. And those same four people are the only ones that really try to offer help, and one of them doesn't even RP really anymore.)

I wish I could write something and feel like it was fucking awesome instead of looking at stupid comms and feeling down that no one ever mentions something I've written. It is ridiculously vain to want to see my muses mentioned, I know...but even thinking back to it the meme I did...the only people that even mentioned me were the people that were expected to. Which, in reality? Is probably because in the grand world of internets I know like...no one. Seriously. I am the wallflower at the dance, and the only people that say I'm awesome? Are my friends. And those friends? I secretly that when they say 'Oh Ej, EVERYONE thinks you are AWESOME!' it is only to make me feel a little more important to the internet worlds that I am.

Because, as stated, I am a wallflower.

Hence the 'I'm fucking nuts' theory. Because I'm having a down moment that is beyond understanding. The fact 'Mom, no one likes me. Not even my friends' is making me want to cry, is surely not something sane people do. It also isn't sane feel this way, because three weeks ago you were happy enough to make people on acid jealous.

I think I'm going to delete the post. It is shitty anyway. Now I just don't know what to write.

I’ve been trying to figure it out for days. I mean, obviously there is something in my RP that makes me want more. And it isn’t the same as just wanting to do more of what I’m doing, though there isn’t really anything wrong with it. It is more that I want more of the dark, cold and painfully things that I just don’t get to do. And in some ways I don’t want to be the only one that indulges in the dark, dirty world of that side of RP.

Except for Kate. Because she’ll RP Cannabalism meals. She has told me as much.

I need something dark, and I need it to not just be my character being dark. I know plenty of people would be willing to let bad things happen to their muses, but that really isn’t the point. I need, I suppose, a partner in darkness (if that makes any sense).

I’m not sure I’ll ever find them. :/

EDIT:

I have to admit, I really do feel like I've been a bit of a let down for some of my RP partners. I wish I could be better. I really want to be better, honest. I just suppose there are times I don't think I'm that great of an RPer in the end, or even that good of a writer. (It might also just be one of those 'woe is me' days too.)

I mean how does someone really judge how much talent they have? If I looked back to my writing classes, I made As in all of them. But the question is, was it because I was good? Or because I wrote technically well? (Trust me, I proof read my class work a hell of a lot better than RP.)

Mm. I don't know...

So, the drama wheel just never stops. I realize this after years of RP that Drama Wheels are forever rolling down the hill and like the snow balls they just progressively get bigger. It starts with one thing, then on to something else...and then like a million other crappy things happen...

Then it stops for a bit of tea and crumpets. Maybe a game a chess, and you think: "Wow, This drama fellow isn't so bad!"

Then he rolls over your foot. And you scream "BITCH!!"

And like I said in the post below. People, the world wide webs isn't that big. Not when you all clump together like cheese on a garlic and chive biscuit. (Shut up, I'm hungry.) If you plan find an RP with someone you don't like in it, why not just forgo playing verse trying to get them kicked out? Because trying to start the drama is so 20 ways to lame it isn't even funny.

Hopstoch has more entertainment value than RP Whores with agenda's.

I'm going to make a shirt, "Drama Free" on the front, "don't roll over me." on the back.

But I'm going to laugh at some idiot first.

Mommy, can I? Can I please?

My days are eaten by PS2. So the goal today is to go home and NOT turn the PS2 on no matter how bored I get.

I have a list!

Posting:

CT peoples
MO peoples

NH Time update
NH Plot post
NH Character page update
NH Modly locked post for plot infos
Alex
and likely someone else.

Reps:

Yeah....whoever I owe reps to just might want to poke me. Aside from Rach and Antha and Ariel, I really don't know who I owe reps to.


Paintshop:

Character banners for MO
and whatever else I come up with.



Outside of that. I has a permanent account. I is happy! But now I have to come up with a way to like fill 300 userpics. *considers* I think I'll have to troll some Icon Comms.

And Lastly, because all the cool people are doing it:

Name a character that you know I write or have written, and I'll tell you: ((And for those that don't know/remember/whatever, I wrote (not just rped with)

Hermes (msg_ina_bottle),

Percy OC(silenziosa_odio),

Clive (clive_for_g),

Wedge Antilles (republic_hero),

Apollo golden_child,

Limos (famine_fatal),

Victor OC (silent_prince) and others that really didn't last long enough to count.))

a. What initially prompted me to like the character enough to write about him/her.
b. One of his/her best traits.
c. One of his/her worst traits.
d. How easy/difficult I find it to write the character.
e. The story/thread/chapter/post/paragraph/tag/phrase where I feel that I truly captured the character.
f. My plans (if any) to write the character in the near future.